The Demon Pizza

In the month of September, we recorded our last episode before our hiatus. To go out with a bang, David and I both decided to compete against each other (you can hear all about it here, in the episode "B.A.E. Pause of an Era": http://sewersirenspodcast.podbean.com). We agreed whoever lost the competition would have to eat a pizza that the winner makes. In a world filled with ghost peppers and cooked cats, the thought of losing was extremely disturbing.

David ended up losing the competition. However, it wasn't for lack of trying. It was the lack of competing. For that reason, I decided to go a little harder on him.

To prepare, I had to think of things that would phase David. David is a daring man who has eaten many things in his life, so I wanted to make sure to feed him something he wouldn't soon forget. A night before I would see him, I figured it was finally time to make him eat the pizza he deserved. So, only using homemade ingredients, without rushing to the store, I whipped something together.

Vinegar, Amasai, and Miracle Whip

Since David has eaten so many crazy things, putting only weird ingredients wouldn't make much of a difference. Of course, I started it out that way, with some drops of vinegar, and a squirt of mayo. But the kicker was a thick, sour organic drink called "Amasai", something I knew David has never had before.

Add a little relish and dressing

Perfecto

In  addition to those nasty things, I added a dab of western dressing and sweet ole' relish. This would make a superb pizza sauce, if I do say so myself.

"Mix it all together and you know you got the best of both worlds"

And instead of the traditional cheese that people around the world seem to enjoy on pizzas, I picked a more ... "healthy" approach. Which also means a little more foul-smelling and gross-tasting cheese.

So the next morning, with products prepared, I woke up and got ready to make David's tasty pizza.

STEP 1: As the base, I used a flattened piece of a waffle (that I had made the previous night). After toasting it for a little to give it the hardened surface, I poured some of that lovely sauce on top of it. And, to give some conflicting texture, I put few mini chocolate chips on for good measure. 

Left = STEP 3, upper right = STEP 1, lower right = STEP 2

STEP 2: On top of the sauce I sprinkled some dill, then topped the pizza with the raw organic cheddar cheese.

STEP 3: Top the pizza with seedy omega wafers and the disgusting candy corn flavored M&Ms, drizzle a little more sauce on the whole thing, and you are good to go!

Heat your oven to 425 degrees, and put it in for a few minutes. The end result? A putrid, horrible smelling pizza that you have created for a good friend to eat.

Toppings

I put the pizza in tupperware and waited to see David, while the pizza got cold and (even more) smelly. Eight hours after the pizza was placed in the oven, David finally got what he deserved.

LEFT: Walker and David seeing pizza for the first time
RIGHT: David after first bite

Once he heard the news (that I had the pizza), he prepared himself to eat it. We sat down at a table, with our friends Walker and Brady, anticipating the pizza being eaten. As the lid was taken off, the smell steamed out. David wore his poker face, but Walker? Not so much. "Ewww!" he said. "Aww, it stinks!"

"Would you like to tell what's on here?" David asked before he dived in. I decided it would be better if he didn't know what it was until after. He would dive in without knowing what awaited him.

David smelled it, was taken aback by the disgusting smells, and then mentally prepared himself for his first bite. 'How bad could it be', his face seemed to say right before he took a chomp into it. After he took his first bite, he gestured as if it wasn't so bad. At this moment, I was kind of worried. Is my disgusting creation not disgusting enough for the David taste buds?

LEFT: David's second bite
RIGHT: David biting off a little more than he could chew (see his right cheek)

As David chewed his first bite, another guy came over (Wendell) and noticed the Omega chips on top of the pizza. "I know what those chips are. Those are disgusting." Wendell said with a laugh. "Those chips are horrible."

David then took another bite, but he got a little cocky, and bit off a little more than he could chew.





He rocked himself, focusing more on the music than the pizza as he slowly ate it. And then BAM! He almost throws up! He gags on the pizza, but manages to still keep eating it.

David gags on his second bite

"Did you see him gag?" Wendell asked. But before anyone could answer, David asked, "Wait. Hold on. Is everything on this edible?" I confirmed it was. "Okay, I just wanted to make sure you weren't putting on ... dog poop or something." As David took his third bite, Brady's reaction to it was priceless. He closed his eyes and probably thought of how disgusting this must be (an expression hard to capture in a picture). After intensely eating the third bite, he shakes off the grossness and continues. The struggle is real.

David's third bite, and Brady doing the ultimate cringe
FAR LEFT: "Wait. Hold on."

LEFT: David shaking off the taste
RIGHT: David smiling through the pain

Pizza Cheers

He bit into the fourth bite, chewing it super fast to try to get rid of it. "You're trying, like, so hard to not gag." Brady says to David, but David doesn't respond. He's focused. "What are your thoughts so far?" I ask him as he gets ready for his fifth bite. "It's nasty. I mean, it's not the worst thing I've ever eaten." He said, but then reevaluates what he just stated. "Actually, it probably is. But I like the chips, thought. It downs the flavor of everything else a lot." Brady's solution? Take off the chips! But it doesn't happen, as David takes his next bite.

It's ... GONE!

David takes his sixth bite, and prepares for his seventh. He raises what's left of the pizza into the air, as he signifies that victory is in sight, and then eats it. After chewing it (and swallowing), he opens his mouth to show, he, in fact...

ATE THE PIZZA!

MIDDLE: "He was, like, almost crying"
RIGHT: Brady feels heartfelt for David

As soon as he's done, he walks over to the water fountains to get a well deserved drink. As he does, I interview Brady and Walker. "He was trying so hard to look pro, and not show ... gag or feelings. But deep inside, he was dying. I can see the reflection of him in the mirror [as he goes into the bathroom] right now; he was, like, almost crying."

"Note to self: never lose a bet"

Then I turned to Walker. "I only smelled it. And it smelled disgusting. Note to self: never lose a bet." Very true words, Walker!







Once David returned, we asked him how it was. "It was ... pretty bad. But you just gotta follow your dreams." When asked how bad it was on a scale of 1 to 10, one being amazing and one being ... well, let's not go there, he said, "Seven." What number is throwing up? "Ten", he answered.

LEFT: David gurgling water
RIGHT: David's reaction to being done

That seven soon became a ten when, later that night, David would throw up. My mission was accomplished, I had created something so utterly disgusting, just using things from my house, without making an explosive chemical reaction. Brady would end up calling this pizza "The Demon Pizza". David ate the pizza like a champ, and handled it like a pro (even though he gagged), so for that, you should follow him on Twitter and Instagram at @Xyro101 (okay, it's the least I can do for the guy, he threw up).

Before I told him what was in it, here were his guesses:

• Weird Type of Cheese (correct)
• Mustard (nope)
• M&Ms (he [basically] got that right [since it was a different flavor)
• Mayo as a Pizza Sauce (ding ding ding [kinda sorta])
• Peanut butter (way off)

And, before I close, let's talk about the thing people really care about when they're reading this.

The GAG COUNT!

Gag Count: bite two, five, six, and seven!

Total Gags: FOUR! [plus an eventual fifth where he went all out]

Gag 2# (Bite Five)

Gag 3# (Bite Six)

Gag 4# (Bite Seven)

So there you have it, TMNT fans and people-who-just-like-watching-others-suffer-fans! I hope you enjoyed this article. If you did, share it with a friend or check out our podcast (if you haven't already).

Thanks for reading!

Grady

Sewer Sirens Podcast

P.S. This article is how I view the things that went down, David may have a totally different view.